insert lyrics to "nothing gets crossed out - bright eyes"

i'm just too afraid of all this change"

blake: hey its my channel... [television show entitled "wasted"]

random.

i've been letting men put my back together my whole life. and i get that he wants me to open up to him and trust him and let him carry some of it... but i need to learn how to carry the weight.

its all fear. every problem that arises between humans is born of fear. fear of loss.

but why should we mourn it?

recently i've been thinking alot about guilt and blame. how much blame i deserve for the things that went wrong. the things still going wrong. i feel all the guilt. i feel guilty for things not done that i will do.

i withdraw. i'm high, and that makes this tolerable.

i drink, and that makes it tolerable.

i don't want to talk about it with him becausee a) i dont want his pity b) i dont want him to try to put me back together; i want my friends to help me put back together. i'll accept drew's help, but i can't accept his. i don't know him, and he certainly dosen't know shit about me. c) im so tired of carrying it around with me like luggage all the time [susanna kaysen, the camera my mother gave me, etc] that i don't want to talk about it. im so tired of thinking about it that the subject is anathema to me, though i can't unload it. i want it, and i hate it. just like everything else.

fucking mercury. drew's the only person who might get that reference.

also, another thing is that everyone dumps on me and i dont feel like certain people that are close to me give a shit. meghan is up her own wedding-planning/back hurting/graduating ass, aunie is far away and doesnt need me anymore, erin is far away and is just as stupid as me when it comes to relationships and dealing with things in general; etc etc

who really knows me?

also, courtney is fucking crazy and an attention whore. they're all attention whores, i mean i get it. that's what's going on.

but aren't i?

words are so inadequate. which i guess is why i've pretty much given up trying to have conversations with people lately. absent from self.

heather died on sunday. dead, gone. alarm clock blaring in the morning and she's not waking up again.

i mean, fuck.

it's hard to be a human being. and its harder as anything else. and i'm lonesome when you're around and i'm never lonesome when i'm by myself.

so much change. running and running and my feet just can't find the floor.

part of the problem has been not having a job. not having money. not having an anchor, a schedule, a purpose.

i should be applying to grad schools, but i haven't done any of that work. i should be studying for the GRE's but i haven't even bought a workbook yet. i should be doing things for ME and not for all the assholes that obviously don't take notice.

fucking, douchebag. i'm done with you. you are erased for ever.

also, i need someone really hot to be my date to the wedding. except that's fucking stupid.

i just want to be alone.